If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize