Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
As shirtless as possible
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
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