Dual....:-)
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
