I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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