ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
