I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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