When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
