he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
