pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
