you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
