Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Randomize
