before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
