A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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