The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
