I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
