Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize