Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
