Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
