Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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