It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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