Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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