his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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