Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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