I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
