i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
