I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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