she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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