we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
