don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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