Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
