I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
