i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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