hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
