Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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