Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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