dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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