why didn't you poke me back
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
