At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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