I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
