There was a lot of him and a little penis
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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