I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
