Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
