my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
