I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
