It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
