Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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