i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
