I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
someone get that fucking seahorse.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
sarcasm needs its own font
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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