Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sext me about skeletons
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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