In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
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