there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
