Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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