so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
