I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
