What a fucking waste of an outfit
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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