Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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