So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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