he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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