if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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