The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
