Dude my mom stole all your condoms
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize