I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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