I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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