my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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