Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
