Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Two words: blizzard sex
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
