mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
